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15 real sex toys that will give you nightmares

15 real sex toys that will give you nightmares

Back in 2008, I changed your life by listing off 25 of the most disturbing sex toys I could find on the Internet. A year later, I gave you 18 more, because I'm a giver, and because I desperately hoped someone would just hold me and tell me I could stop. And now it's been three solid years with nary a single disturbing sex toy to be seen. But they were being made. In ramshackle garages and run-down sweatshops and Cracked columnist basements, they were being made. And here they are. If you like, we can go buy some and try them out together, but I'm not promising either of us will enjoy it.

I'm no amateur at this, I know that some people are into having their goodies ground into paste, I'm hip. But this thing literally looks exactly like the nutcracker my parents had when I was a kid, except in surgical steel and with less heart.

If you're not sure how this thing works just by looking at it, you could go to the site and see a demonstration, but will that really make you feel better? How could it be used in any way that isn't awful?

Last time I did one of these, I included a pair of pants meant to recycle your own urine into a fun party game for your butt. This may seem like it's a step down from that thanks to our little mosaic meant to preserve a portion of your sanity, but I would beg to differ. This here is a medical-style mask, a hose, and the fact that this exists solely for the purpose of someone taking a long pull off of your goodie zone gases like the dentist from Little Shop of Horrors, but in an erotic fashion ... it's almost too surreal.

I wanted you to look at this for as long as I have looked at it but I couldn't do that in good conscience (which is to say editorial determined I was awful for trying to show this to you). If you're not sure what's happening, and why should you because nothing intuitive is happening here, then I will confirm: That's a rubber forehead-based vagina and a rubber mouth-butt. There are also two nose holes above the mouth-butt. Like a taint breathing apparatus. So this is basically a latex undercarriage face mask that turns you into the rejected Hellraiser cenobite Guntface. I debated this device with Gladstone, and he feels that the vagina is more decorative than functional, but I refuse to speculate on the motives of the person who would wear and/or use this.

Looking at this picture, it's not immediately evident what this is or why you should be shocked and appalled. And it's not even the religious imagery that makes this so off-putting (it doesn't help); it's that this is a 2-inch-long piece of metal designed to be inside your wiener. That hole is for peeing. But wait, it doesn't end there. This thing is for the same purpose:

Created as part of a design challenge, the Orgasmatron 3000 combines housework with debauchery, because sometimes having your fluids running down the washing machine is acceptable. I'm not convinced that these were ever produced for consumers, but it's enough that one exists, potentially with seasoned leather all around it to appeal to a lonesome housewife somewhere who has a lot of Tide and whites that need whitening in the dirtiest way possible.

Gags are pretty standard fare as far as sex toys go, but this one gets a nod for thorough insanity. The Humiliator gag system features a number of attachments, including a serving tray, a feather duster, an ash tray, a toilet paper dispenser, a coat hook and, of course, a toilet brush. All mounted on your mouth. Because you need to wash toilets with your mouth for someone else's pleasure. Fun!

The entire site this thing comes from is just a blue comedian's wet dream, it's ridiculous. Translated from the German, it's lost a touch of whatever dignity it may have once had, and it now features small print letting you know that large nipples will only cost you 5 Euros more and that their Andy doll is so realistic that she'll scream when you caress her. Pro tip: She's not supposed to scream when you caress her. Your sex doll has been made horribly wrong.

If I'm reading this correctly, this is a human-sized cage that you lock someone in and then, once inside, you poke them with metal sticks like a weird version of Kerplunk. Also, this is sexy fun. I guess.

Even the weirdest of sex toys tends to lend itself in some way to sex, like even if you're horrified by it, you can see the thread of causality, how it came to be and how it lends itself to some kind of deviant sexuality. But this thing is seriously just a cage you poke people in. This is what they used to do with zoo monkeys. Were people getting boners back when stuff like that went on?

You'll notice very quickly that this looks almost exactly like a trailer hitch. And then you'll think of what this article is about and be horrified, even though your mind hasn't fully worked out the logistics yet. You just know that a trailer hitch sex toy is probably wrong in some way. And you'd be right. You'd be right.

What's that? You expect more from me? Well, since you insist -- yes, you loop the round part over your junk, spin that sucker back and then the hitch goes in your hiney. All of this presumably happens while you are conscious and not in an Eli Roth film.

At first glance, this appears to be little more than the rubber embodiment of nightmares and puckered anus molded into tiki form. Who wouldn't be turned on by such a thing? The answer is "everyone." Everyone should be disgusted by this, because gross. Seriously. It'd be like humping a Pokemon character that has a penis for a tail. Don't do that.

Tired of the way your cavernous, merciless ass always destroys butt plugs? Aren't we all. Thankfully, this aluminum plug is meant to withstand your asstruction, but it doesn't even end there. Read the description and you'll learn two horrible facts:

The closest you'll ever get to being frozen in carbonite like Han Solo while Boba Fett watches and masturbates, this thing is a bed with two sheets of thick latex that can be vacuum sealed around you. Finally, the sexual thrill of being a supermarket pork chop can be yours.

I don't know what sexual fetish this represents, beyond an unwholesome infatuation with bunnies, which is the sort of shit that gets people from Florida on the news. But if you're in the mood to maybe costume some characters in your Saw knockoff, or get people to leave your dinner party early, it may be a multipurpose sort of thing. I bet the inside always smells like teardrops and mischief.

I read the description for this about three times in a row. It's like watching that scene in Ghost Rider 2 when Nick Cage is riding his motorcycle and trying to fight off becoming the Ghost Rider -- it just stuns you with its insanity, and you're suddenly enraptured.

If you can't tell from the wooden box, this is a fake hymen. The broken English on the site assures me that this is some kind of cellulose vagina plug that will quickly dissolve and leave you airtight once it's in place. Plus it lets you know that if you act shy and lay in a position that makes it hard for the man to get in, you'll really sell the lie. And they named it after Joan of Arc. So there's that.

And finally we come to the entry that we felt we couldn't show you in any non-illustrated format, both because the images of it are too horrible and I figured everyone would rather see my party-robot doing this to Gladstone. I like to imagine that the sales pitch in the 80s toy commercial went something like this: "Hey kids, tired of all those old, boring party games? Does pin the tail on the donkey make you wonky? Is bobbing for apples appalling? Are lawn darts giving you long farts? That last one didn't make sense, and it doesn't need to, thanks to anal ring toss! Just jam the plastic rod up someone else's ass and throw rings at it. That's literally the entire point of this thing! Throwing rings at a plastic rod jammed in someone else's ass! Get yours today!"

home - picson international

home - picson international

Pics International is a leading global engineering and manufacturing unit engaged in supplying cutting-edge crushing and screening equipment for applications in mining, quarrying, and infrastructure projects, Construction and Demolition and waste recycling.

We have more than three decades of experience in supplying a robust range of crushing, screening and washing equipment, including varying sizes of stationary and mobile jaw, cone and impact crushers; heavy duty screens and mobile plants for recycling construction and demolition waste. These high-quality industrial equipment ensures a fine and precise performance promises an end result which is nothing less than the best.

PICS has an unmatched commitment to after-sales service. For us, it's not limited to just supplying the parts in time via network of dealers. It's a notch above the competitors which gives us the upper hand.

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crusher equipment africa - 27/ field service, machining, strip & assembly

crusher equipment africa - 27/ field service, machining, strip & assembly

CE Africa (Pty) Ltd, was established with a hand full of technical and highly skilled crusher personal. From design engineers, Metallurgist, Technicians, and much more. With over 100 years of combined experience in the processing and mining industry our main objective is to provide a value-added service with innovation and quality being our main focus.

We have partnered up with Key Companies to provide the complete package required in order to reduce down-time, and bring your cost per ton to a minimal. Our Vision is kept simple by adding value to each and every customer we service, we are able to do repairs, 24/7 Field Service and spares to all your OEM Gyratory, Jaw & Cone crusher machines such as; Metso, Sandvik and Telsmith.

CE Africa (Pty) Ltd, was established with a hand full of technical and highly skilled crusher personal. From design engineers, Metallurgist, Technicians, and much more. With over 100 years of combined experience in the processing and mining industry our main objective is to provide a value-added service with innovation and quality being our main focus.

We have partnered up with Key Companies to provide the complete package required in order to reduce down-time, and bring your cost per ton to a minimal. Our Vision is kept simple by adding value to each and every customer we service, we are able to do repairs, 24/7 Field Service and spares to all your OEM Gyratory, Jaw & Cone crusher machines such as; Metso, Sandvik and Telsmith.

CE Africas mission is to be the customers number one choice for sustainable use of earths natural resources. Together we deliver quality products, service, reliability, innovation and most importantly support local development. We aim to be a valuable partner for our customers, and we commit to take action in sustainability in our industry and to deliver results to all our stakeholders in a safe manner with the development of local skills, job creation and economic upliftment.

CE Africas mission is to be the customers number one choice for sustainable use of earths natural resources. Together we deliver quality products, service, reliability, innovation and most importantly support local development. We aim to be a valuable partner for our customers, and we commit to take action in sustainability in our industry and to deliver results to all our stakeholders in a safe manner with the development of local skills, job creation and economic upliftment.

The VSI series impact crusher uses the rock-on-rock principle; by way of multiple-stage crushing for optimizing the product quality. After entering the crusher, the material enters the rotor, which can accelerate to speeds of up to 45-70 m/s. The rotor sends the material to the crushing cavity where the material strikes itself and the outer body until the material is crushed as required. By adjusting the volume of outflow, the speed and diameter of the rotor can control the size of through put.

Single cylinderhydro-cone crusherWith the design of heavy-duty conditions, SH and SS serieshydro-cone crushersofCE Africacan be applicable to mines with various scales and intermediate andfine crushing in stoneindustry; and with the constantcrushing cavity design, feeding and productivity can be kept constant within the lining board wearing cycle, therebyreducing the running costs significantly. There are as many as dozens of changes in cavity shapes and 3 to 4 eccentric dista

The MH series multi-cylinder hydraulic cone crusher is designed for heavy-duty working conditions, with extra high stability, an extremely huge production capacity, and crushing efficiency. It is equipped with an advanced mainframe combined with large eccentricity, high speed, and also with an intelligent automatic control system, so that it produces an excellent crushing performance during the crushing operation. Compared to other cone crushers, it has a higher main shaft speed and bigger crushing.

CE AfricaseriesJaw Crushersare mainly applied tocoarse crushing in mineand aggregate industries, with the processing capacity ranging from 60 to 1,500t/h ascoarse crushingwhen cooperating withCE Africasseries grizzly feeders, so it can meet the requirements of small and middle-large size coarse crushing in most cases.

MS Series high efficiencyVibrating Screenstake the most advanced Technology and own a great many advantages, such as stable operation,high screening efficiency, simple struture,low failurerate and so on.

CE Africa Impact Crusherscould be able to run in the coarse and middle-fine sizemining crushing plant. Comparing with the other crushers, the crushing ratio of a Impact Crushersare bigger (About 10), particular in the medium and below hardness rocks.

CE Africa (Pty) Ltd Mobile Jaw Crusher Series have strong adaptability which are suitable for processing various raw materials from osft rock to hard rock, such as limestone, bassalt, iron, ore, slag and other materials.

CE Africa (Pty) Ltd Mobile Jaw Crusher Series have strong adaptability which are suitable for processing various raw materials from soft rock to hard rock, such as limestone, bassalt, iron, ore, slag and other materials.

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